* Christmas blues

blue Christmas

Being bombarded with the “happiest time of the year” messages can get very old when you are not at all happy.  When you would rather not even be alive.  I’ve had many years like that, tormented by memories of Christmases -and life- past.  Growing up abused, I felt alone, scared, and hurt.  Then as an adult, I carried all that pain into each holiday season.  I began to see the pattern of guilt expressed by my parents in an overload of presents at Christmas.  I remembered the glimmer of hope that there’d be a reprieve from my father’s violence and drunkenness, at least for half the day.  I looked back at all those Christmases and mourned.

I have friends (and myself included) whose loved ones have died during this season and each year is a painful reminder.  Other folks mourn the loss of dreams they had for their kids, hopes that their sons will turn away from drugs or that their daughters will leave abusive relationships.  Others are still coming to terms with their child’s disabilities, sometimes still blaming themselves.

I had no solution to the tremendous anguish which made me suicidal.  Someone else did, and He transformed my life in 1988.  My advice for Christmas blues is to hang on.  Hang on to someone who will help you get through the bleakness.  Hang on through serving others.  Hang on through reading or exercise.  Eat chocolate.  Hang on, hang on, hang on.  Fight for life, no matter how impossible it seems.  I never, ever, ever, ever imagined a life full of peace and love.  I scoffed at the “religious” and thought about dying every day.  Christmas carols made me weep.  Hang on!  There is so much more than you can imagine!