* The Bitter Parent Back-to-School Guide

You never thought the summer could be soooo long; by all rights, it shouldn’t be!  Why do teachers complain about long hours and little pay when they have three months of summer vacation?  And it won’t be long before they are taking off for workdays and so-called professional development.  Plus your kids will have forgotten all the little they learned last year and they’ll probably get that crabby teacher who never retires.  Here are some back-to-school tips just for you.

  1.  Let your kids stay up as late as they like, especially for that first week back at school.  It’s about time that teachers get to see what you have to put up with.
  2.  Send high-sugar-and-carb snacks that will fill your kids’ bellies and don’t fret about wonky blood sugar levels.  These snacks are much more appealing and will boost your child’s social credit.
  3.  Arrive late to school at least a couple of times in the first week.  Nothing much happens before 9 or 10, so at least your child won’t be as bored as usual.
  4.  Send your child in flip flops on PE days.  PE teachers have enough time in their schedules to sort that out.  After all, they play games all day!
  5.  Remind your kiddos that if someone hits them, they are to hit back three times as hard.  Better yet, encourage them to be proactive, not reactive.  That will take care of all those bullies at school.
  6.  Give your child a break from that ADHD medication.  See #1 for the rationale.
  7.  If your child is attending a new school and has an IEP, keep it a secret as long as possible.  Why prejudice the teacher’s opinion of your child?
  8.  Don’t bother with that heavy packet of forms from the school.  If it’s important, they’ll send it again.
  9.  Put the first PTA meeting on your calendar.  You will want to suggest that schools skip summer vacations all together.  How are kids supposed to learn anything in just 180 days?annoyed woman.png

* The Bitter Teacher Back-to-School Guide

You never thought the summer could be soooo short; between a second job and staff development, you had one week off!  Why do parents complain about taking care of their children for a few weeks?  And it won’t be long before they are griping about workdays.  Plus the kids will have forgotten all they learned last year and you’ll probably get that crabby administrator who is shuffled from school to school.  Here are some back-to-school tips just for you.

  1.  Enjoy your last night before school starts, staying up as late as you can.  You shouldn’t smile at kids before January anyway.
  2.  Resurrect those old boxes of crackers for the classroom snack.  They don’t have peanut butter and you can’t even read the expiration date.
  3.  Lock your classroom door and keep the lights off so any late kids and their parents are forced to return to the main office.  After all, what is the intercom for?
  4.  Double-check with the principal to ensure that subs are available when the specials teachers are absent.  That’s your planning time and the PE teacher doesn’t need any time just to organize a game.
  5.  Take tranquilizers before the Back to School event.  Watching the way kids run around like crazy while their parents ignore all misbehavior is a sure indicator of a long year ahead.  Identify bullying parents and see if their child can be reassigned to a beginning teacher.
  6.  Contact the school nurse well before the first day of school to see who takes meds for ADHD.  Have the school social worker on call to summon parents if ANY kids seem unmedicated.
  7.  Assume that all new kids are behavior problems and figure out how to have them placed elsewhere or medicated.
  8. Print up your stacks of reminders to parents about clothing for specials, rules for the playground, field trip chaperones, lunch money, snacks for the classroom, requests for supplies, room parents, PTA meetings, book fairs, and Teacher Appreciation Week.  Have your assistant use a different color of paper for each set of reminders.  Make sure the request for classroom supplies is stapled on top.
  9.   Figure out how to skip the boring PTA meeting, especially the first one where all the troublemakers start agitating the group.bitter teacher.png