* Good news, bad news

The good news is that I managed to get my car parked at school today before it was enveloped in smoke*.  The bad news is that I had to wait for 3.5 hours for a tow truck.

The good news is that the tow truck had a flatbed for carrying my car.  The bad news is that the driver wouldn’t walk near my car because he disliked muddy potholes.

The good news is that the driver said I drove my car onto his truck better than he’s ever seen before!  The bad news is that he nearly plowed into several cars as we headed for the garage near my house, texting and trying repeatedly to reach his boss by phone.

The good news is that he finally reached his boss.  The bad news is that his diesel truck was in a mileage countdown which would end with us traveling 5 mph to avoid emitting toxic diesel fumes

The good news is that I was able to clamber up the flatbed and drive my car successfully off his truck before the diesel engine quit working.  The bad news is that my car’s radiator is destroyed.

The good news is that the garage gave me a loaner car to use.  The bad news is that the loaner had a crushed front end and was missing a wheel.

20-1113tm-vector2-3582

The good news is that the loaner was sitting next to the wrecked vehicle.  The bad news is that I need to replace my hearing aids.

New radiator: $560

New hearing aids: $4000

*The “smoke” was actually steam.  What good news!  And I was really driving my dearest teaching widower’s car, since he had to travel for his job and took the better vehicle.  Duh.

* Happy [cheery, merry, joyful, jocular, gleeful] birthday, Peter — bluebird of bitterness

A little bibliophile humor today in honor of the birthday of Peter Mark Roget (1779-1869), author of Roget’s Thesaurus of English Words and Phrases Classified and Arranged so as to Facilitate the Expression of Ideas and Assist in Literary Composition.

via Happy [cheery, merry, joyful, jocular, gleeful] birthday, Peter — bluebird of bitterness

Bluebird, you had me at happy!  Let’s all celebrate (commemorate, observe, mark, keep, honor, remember, memorialize) the clever Roget and his thesaurus.

All You Need Is Love (And Hate) — Steve McSteveface

Hater’s Gonna Hate! As Taylor Swift once said “hater’s gonna hate, hate, hate” but what she forgot to do is balance it out with “lover’s gonna love, love, love” – silly Taylor Swift… If I have to share ten things that I love then, just so the world doesn’t implode, I have to then share […]

via All You Need Is Love (And Hate) — Steve McSteveface

This is a terrific post, funny and authentic.  It doesn’t hurt that I have many of the same hates.  Well, fish bodies and sharks that take out airplanes,.  I also love iPads and I’m loving this Guy McFaceGuy.  Check it out!

* Smorgasbord blog humor!

This was the most viewed humour post of 2017 – I hope you enjoy….. Strange things happen in bars.. drinking too much can alter your persective in life and sometimes rearrange your facial features. Not something I recommend. However, bars can also be amusing places! A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whiskey. […]

via Smorgasbord Review 2017 – – Humour – Under the Influence! With a few cats thrown in… — Smorgasbord – Variety is the spice of life

* Looking down

Bad Things have been happening outside.  I am losing the battle.

First, the deer continue to use our yard as a feeding and parking station.  They leave raisins to mark their path up the driveway.

deer poop

You might wonder why the driveway looks so, um, marbled.  (Trust me, this is relevant.)  It’s because my dearest widower asked the pressure washer guys to remove the mulch stains.  Remember I tossed hundreds of pounds of mulch into our “natural area?”  Well, it might have improved the appearance of that natural area for a day or so, but it also triggered a vole invasion.  What’s not to love in soft, moist mulch?

mulch

So, the voles.  They have ruined one-third of our front yard, as of today.  Tomorrow- one half?  Everyday, there are new raised tunnels and piles of soil.  I bought these pellets that supposedly irritate their sinuses, but I feel too discouraged to use the stuff.  Plus, I have an aversion to watering (see below), which is necessary to activate the pellets.  Voles are quite admirable diggers, I have to admit.  You wouldn’t believe the amount of soil they’ve rumbled through.

As if voles weren’t bad enough, AT&T has been supposedly laying a new cable in the back yard.  All I can see is spray paint, wires, and more tunnels.  Perhaps AT&T hires voles.  I have a work crew ready and willing in the front yard, if need be.

The beautiful meadow sage, which is deer resistant, has not withstood the heat and relative drought.  Yes, I should have watered them, but the bloody mosquitoes attack me through my shirt and hair as soon as I step outside.

Vance, the Venus Flytrap, has given up the ghost.  I did accidentally spray him with insect repellent as I was venturing out, so that didn’t help.  The bug spray didn’t help me either, for that matter.

Overall, I’d say I’m a bit discouraged in my attempts to fashion a lawn.  No one else on our street has voles (I’ve looked).  Other folks sit outside in chairs without mosquito netting and clouds of repellent.  At least the deer are equal opportunity invaders.  Go deer!  Please.

* The Bitter Parent Back-to-School Guide

You never thought the summer could be soooo long; by all rights, it shouldn’t be!  Why do teachers complain about long hours and little pay when they have three months of summer vacation?  And it won’t be long before they are taking off for workdays and so-called professional development.  Plus your kids will have forgotten all the little they learned last year and they’ll probably get that crabby teacher who never retires.  Here are some back-to-school tips just for you.

  1.  Let your kids stay up as late as they like, especially for that first week back at school.  It’s about time that teachers get to see what you have to put up with.
  2.  Send high-sugar-and-carb snacks that will fill your kids’ bellies and don’t fret about wonky blood sugar levels.  These snacks are much more appealing and will boost your child’s social credit.
  3.  Arrive late to school at least a couple of times in the first week.  Nothing much happens before 9 or 10, so at least your child won’t be as bored as usual.
  4.  Send your child in flip flops on PE days.  PE teachers have enough time in their schedules to sort that out.  After all, they play games all day!
  5.  Remind your kiddos that if someone hits them, they are to hit back three times as hard.  Better yet, encourage them to be proactive, not reactive.  That will take care of all those bullies at school.
  6.  Give your child a break from that ADHD medication.  See #1 for the rationale.
  7.  If your child is attending a new school and has an IEP, keep it a secret as long as possible.  Why prejudice the teacher’s opinion of your child?
  8.  Don’t bother with that heavy packet of forms from the school.  If it’s important, they’ll send it again.
  9.  Put the first PTA meeting on your calendar.  You will want to suggest that schools skip summer vacations all together.  How are kids supposed to learn anything in just 180 days?annoyed woman.png

* The Bitter Teacher Back-to-School Guide

You never thought the summer could be soooo short; between a second job and staff development, you had one week off!  Why do parents complain about taking care of their children for a few weeks?  And it won’t be long before they are griping about workdays.  Plus the kids will have forgotten all they learned last year and you’ll probably get that crabby administrator who is shuffled from school to school.  Here are some back-to-school tips just for you.

  1.  Enjoy your last night before school starts, staying up as late as you can.  You shouldn’t smile at kids before January anyway.
  2.  Resurrect those old boxes of crackers for the classroom snack.  They don’t have peanut butter and you can’t even read the expiration date.
  3.  Lock your classroom door and keep the lights off so any late kids and their parents are forced to return to the main office.  After all, what is the intercom for?
  4.  Double-check with the principal to ensure that subs are available when the specials teachers are absent.  That’s your planning time and the PE teacher doesn’t need any time just to organize a game.
  5.  Take tranquilizers before the Back to School event.  Watching the way kids run around like crazy while their parents ignore all misbehavior is a sure indicator of a long year ahead.  Identify bullying parents and see if their child can be reassigned to a beginning teacher.
  6.  Contact the school nurse well before the first day of school to see who takes meds for ADHD.  Have the school social worker on call to summon parents if ANY kids seem unmedicated.
  7.  Assume that all new kids are behavior problems and figure out how to have them placed elsewhere or medicated.
  8. Print up your stacks of reminders to parents about clothing for specials, rules for the playground, field trip chaperones, lunch money, snacks for the classroom, requests for supplies, room parents, PTA meetings, book fairs, and Teacher Appreciation Week.  Have your assistant use a different color of paper for each set of reminders.  Make sure the request for classroom supplies is stapled on top.
  9.   Figure out how to skip the boring PTA meeting, especially the first one where all the troublemakers start agitating the group.bitter teacher.png