I wept my way through church yesterday. It was inevitable, because I had lost sight of how loved I am. Losing sight of His love was inevitable because my mind still compartmentalizes pain.
I grew up in a nightmare home where physical, emotional, and sexual abuse were nuclear weapons, blasting my heart and mind into shreds. I only ‘survived’ in compartments, in little and bigger places where memories could be ‘lost’ and pain could be controlled.
After these recent uncertain and painful emergency room events, my mind did what I perfected years ago: tried to seal off the pain. I had told my dearest teaching widower that it felt like his heart was a nuclear device, ticking to some unknown timer. I didn’t know I had activated my own device, losing faith in God’s provision for us, for His perfect timing, for the marvelous eternity that awaits us. I started to feel numb, even as laughed my way through outlandish interactions and sleep deprivation. I tried to take control by being good and brave. Instead, I became numb. I forgot that my righteousness is a free gift.
We have a very real enemy and he whispered lies and condemnation. Religious accusations told me I wasn’t praying enough. I had failed the kiddos who need me. In fact, I was reviled for not feeling enough. That should have been a dead giveaway.
So today is a new day. My heart has been washed with healing tears, with a renewed knowledge of just how precious I am in His sight.
Beautiful, beautiful, BEAUTIFUL. I love this. And yes, you are loved. So loved ❤️❤️❤️
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Aww, thank you, Lizzi. That means a lot to me.
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Your openness to be loved and changed by God is a great testimony, one that changes the lives of those you meet whether they know your story or not. His transformation in you creates one in those around you, including your students. Your crown will be heavy with the jewels you have amassed. Don’t let the devil tell you otherwise. You are much loved!
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Thanks so much, Jean. I even doubted I was saved, which is pretty extreme and rare. I’m so glad that he pursues me!!
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I guess no matter how long we’ve walked with God, our flesh is still there, in need of His touch and confirmation that we are loved. I think of Peter, Elijah, David, and so many more.
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Good company, indeed. Thanks for the reminder. ❤️
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Soooo good, Katherine. It is way too easy to compartmentalize, and not even realize we do it. Thanks so much for sharing your process, and in so doing invite others to do the same! Beauty for ashes, indeed. Who’s the babe? Love you both!!!
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Thanks, Susan. I appreciate your encouragement. I certainly lost my way. The delightful babe belongs to a special couple we know. This little one started off in the NICU and has grown so much! I love holding her!
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