* Back and Forth

Like Lizzi’s Ten Things of Thankful, I found myself looking back and forth when I woke this morning.  That was after I stumbled to the window to see if it was snowing.  My dearest widower said there were a few flakes, so I rushed to see for myself.  I am sure I saw a miniature flake, or maybe it was a floater in my eye.

I stumbled back to bed with a level 9 (out of 10) headache and and level 7 arm pain from a recent vaccination.  Then I started doing the math.  (That is a joke, really, if you knew how my brain does math.)  Guess what?  I realized that the scale of my life has now tipped on the incredibly good side.  I’ve lived MORE than half my life, by one year, with peace and joy!  Thank you, perfect Savior!  LESS than one half was a life of brutality and despair.  That misery-n0w-gone is a perfect place to start my Ten Things of Thankful.scales

  1. I no longer jump when I hear the front door open or hear keys clinking on a kitchen counter (“Daddy’s home”).
  2. I can talk about what happened to me without fear of repercussions, although I picture the grocery shoppers running like crazy if I ever started sharing.
  3. I’m able to analyze my father in light of my special education training.  Putting aside the violent paranoia, I see someone with ADHD who self-medicated on alcohol and cigarettes.  A twice exceptional individual, gifted and sadistic.
  4. Last one looking back, because the scales have tipped:  I no longer want to die by my own hand.
  5. My dearest widower is the warmest man alive.  Yes, he has a heart of gold, but I am talking about his body temp.  On these cold winter mornings, he’s an environmentally perfect heater.
  6. The birds are chowing down at the backyard feeder.  Finches that spit out thistle, Carolina wrens gobbling suet, and a chickadee or titmouse on every perch.  Love to watch the banquet.
  7. Cam Newton, quarterback, possibly the cutest man alive (apart from my widower, of course) is in a playoff game.  Go Panthers!
  8. Awesome families of kids I teach!
  9. Happy!
  10. Happy!
  11. Happy!  (Oh yeah, ELEVEN things of thankful!)

3 thoughts on “* Back and Forth

  1. Now this, THIS, fills me with utter glee and happiness. Good grief, it feels like a real tip-of-the-iceberg kind of post but I’m so COMPLETELY THRILLED that you have so much happiness, and have lived more than half your life in it. I’m so excited for the day I can say the same (which…let me think about this, I think will have to be when I’m 63, as long as nothing goes horribly wrong between now and then).

    What wonderful, amazing thankfuls. And yeah…I’m glad you’ve managed to do the analysis and the explanation and the justification (mine was clinically depressed, refused to seek help, and was also hiding the fact he was gay and living entirely the wrong lifestyle, to try to please others, as well as being at the mercy of a whole bunch of stuff from HIS own childhood) but knowing that and translating that information into “it wasn’t MY fault” and from there into “I’m okay, really” is a big set of steps I still haven’t made.

    You inspire me. Thank you for this.

    Liked by 1 person

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